We Beat it!

I feel like a character at the end of The Wizard of Oz, “You were fertile all along! You just needed a little help (and a lot of money!)” LOL Both transferred embryos took! We are pregnant with twins! We knew there was a pretty good chance, but the reality is still a lot to swallow. Two carseats, two cribs, two cars, two college tuitions! We are very excited! We definately got our money's worth with IVF!

I'm a little nervous because I'm "high risk" now. More of a possiblity of a c-section, pre-term labor, etc. But I feel I'm in good hands (my doctors) and DH takes good care of me, letting me sleep and bringing me pretzels.

I probably will quit my IF blog now, since even though we struggled (for 29 cycles!), we, apparently, have good eggs, good sperm, and a good womb. IDK why the hell it didn't work on our own, but two babies, and 5 more frozen embryos! I think we're good ***knock on wood***

Good luck to everyone else in their struggles! I will probably be donating our embryos if all goes well with this pregnancy, so maybe we can help someone else beat IF

Holey Crap! It Worked!

I'm officially 4 weeks 1 day pregnant!!! After the transfer we waited 11 days. DH did my progesterone shot every night, I took my prenatal vitamins, I was careful what I ate and drank. Then yesterday morning I went in for my hCG blood test. I was told I'd have the results within 2-3 hours. DH and I both took the afternoon off and I called at noon. The results were not in yet. I called back an hour later and now I'M PREGNANT! I started crying and shaking and generally freaking out. We called our parents and siblings and our friends. I went shopping for maternity pants because I've been outgrowing my regular pants, but have held off on buying new clothes. Maternity jeans are the best! I'm super bloated and been having stomach issues, a little nauseous, but mostly it's coming out the other end. I've been hot at night, and sleepy half way through the day,  but I'm just so happy to finally be pregnant, I don't mind any of it. We find out in 6 weeks if it's twins. Out of the 7 eggs they retrieved all were fertilized and developed. They transfered two and froze three. Then on day 6 the other two had developed into blastocysts (this is a good thing) and then frozen. That means we have some good quality sperm and egg action!

So Infertility can kiss my ass!

Retrieval and Transfer done!

On Monday September 10, 2012 I had my fourth and final monitoring appt. After being on 150IUs of Menopur and Follistim for 9 days, I was told I had 24 follicles, with 18 of them being over 1cm. So I felt full and ready to go. I gave myself the HCG and final Lupron shot that night.

On Wednesday at 6:45am DH was able to collect at home. We arrived at IVF embryologist at 7:30. I registered at same day surgery, and was put in a gown and we got to hang out in a private room with a recliner and TV. At about 10:30 they took me to IVF services and a new room with another recliner and TV. All the nurses and Doctors came in to introduce themselves. The anesthesiologist came in and hooked up my IV and explained what was going to happen. Around 11:45 the nurse took me to the OR while DH waited in our room. They laid me out, feet in stirrups, and gave me the good stuff. The last thing I remember was saying “whoa.”

Then I remember talking to someone about how many eggs and how many we might get to freeze for later but I don’t remember who. Then I opened my eyes and I was back with DH. He said I had been talking to him for a while. I slowly came completely back to my senses. I was cramping a lot, so they gave me a Vicodin. After a while the nurse gave me the progesterone shot, took out my IV and told me to get dressed. I was a little out of it all day and crampy up until Friday morning.

On Thursday we learned that all 7 eggs that were retrieved were fertilized!! We are now the proud parents of 7 little embryos!! 

The transfer was easy. Got to the hospital at 10:30, got into my gown and this time DH got scrubs. We waited for three hours and finally Dr. Silber came in, gave us a picture of our embryos, and told me he was going to talk me through a guided relaxation during the procedure.

They got be back in the stirrups in the OR, DH was right next to me, stroking my forehead. Dr. Silber gently led me into relaxation, and BAM, it was done.

Now we wait. Two little embryos are in my uterus, this is amazing. I am trying to visualize them dividing, developing, hatching, and then implanting. I’m going to do yoga and/or meditation every night for the next two weeks until our pregnancy test.

DH has been giving me the progesterone shots every night in my bum, it hurts and I'm sore but this will all be worth it!

We’re thinking of names, and the possibility of twins!

Jovian(Jovi)            Sullivan(Sully)

Ruby                      Desmond

River                       Jory

Penelope                Finley

Tesla(Tess)             Miles

Leona                      Harvey

Cecelia                    Oscar

Isla

Well on our way

Well the Lupron has given me headaches and hot flashes, and maybe the occasional rage fit. The injections don't hurt at all in the right side and only sting, I did have a bruise on my left side after my last shot. I went in for bloodwork and US friday, all was well, so I started menopur and follistim last night.night. It was like a science experiment, mixing 1cc of diligent with 75iuis of powder FSH and LH, then mix that with another 75IUIs of powder. Then shoot it up! It burns, but it's tolerable. Next I did the follistim cartridge and pen. Pretty easy and painless! I can't believe in two weeks I'll be (hopefully) impregnated!  

Lol, just retread this. I typed it on my iPhone so lots of typos!

Sometimes I just hate (some) people

Ok I know IF has pretty much consumed my life lately. I'm even getting tired of hearing me talk about it, but how is it people in my life seem to have no idea why I'm upset. I posted a general post on FB saying how gratefull I was for supportive family and friends (meaning very specific people who have been helpful by listening to my woes and offering financial and/or emotional support). Several people "liked" the status, several people who have been the opposite of supportive, either becuase they don't know how to be or are just too self-centered.

Then after an especially rough day of TD, money issues, and finding out yet another couple is pregnant for the second time in the two years we've been TTC, I posted that I was having a bad day. One of these very unsupportive people asks "Why?" on FB! I'm pretty open on FB, but don't really want to hash out all the glorious details of all my problems (diarreah, pregnancy envy, money issues) on there. If you don't know what I'm going through and are truly concerned, send me a private message, or call me and I will gladly unload on you. This person doesn't want that, and that's fine, but don't pretend to care.

Then another one of these unsupportive people sends me an email asking what my status's meant and if everything was ok, so I told them. Then they say "when r u going to have me and my fiancé over for dinner?" I say I really don't know I'll have to figure out a good time. Then 4 days later they call me and ask again, so I explain we've started injections, and trying to have people over right now is gonna be difficult. They say having them over shouldn't be a big deal, but for me it is. I'd have to make sure the house is tidy, then come home from work at 6:30, make dinner, and give myself my shot in the middle of dinner. Plus these are not people I'm super comfortable with right now. When this whole process started I asked them for a loan. They said no, which is fine but then lectured me about money and said I should say the money myself (it would take over 5 years and by then my eggs which are already screwed up, would be 35). So I was upset and we had words about how a simple no would've sufficed. I'm not an irresponsible person (I've been buying bonds for my future children for years and we make sure to have a little money in savings, and barely any debt) and had I known we would need IVF I would've been saving for that, but one cannot predict this. So anyway, this whole subject makes me uncomfortable with this person. So dinner? During IVF? Nope!

Now this person keeps calling and offer to help. Nothing specific just to let them know if we need anything. Honestly we're good. DH and I have a pretty good system worked out, and a good support system. Plus I feel it's too little too late. This person should be a very important person in my life, but I feel dropped the ball when it came to our IF.

I'm being really selfish right now but I think I need to take of of me and mine to get through this. If you're not with me you're against me and I don't have time or energy for that right now.

Everything else is really good. Stomach is much better thanks to antibiotics and my first 4 injections have been easy peasy! DH has been great, as has my mom, inlaws, best friends and a sister of a friend who did this 4 years ago. Her mother even gave me a card with $100 in it and a heart felt note. I'm very thankful!

Pumped!

I watched over $10k disappear out of my account today. Last weekend we got our loan, so for three days our account was ballin! But then we paid for my meds and paid the two dr's their fees and now most of the money is gone. It's ok, I'm excited! I got my injection instructions and even gave myself a shot (of saline). I start lupron injections this Saturday! We're really doing this! DH goes in for all of the blood tests Saturday and he's turning in all the consent forms. I have an appt with my OB/GYN the 28th and the I start follistim and menopur and monitoring the first of September. I cannot believe that in 6 weeks I might very well be pregnant!!!!!!

Religion (Catholicism) and IVF

I am an agnostic. I was raised Catholic and have studied Budhism. I've taken away the same basic morals from both: don't be an asshole. All the specific stuff gets too selfcontraductory and political. Basically I try to be kind to sentient beings (I'm not doing well on the vegetarian front, but I do try to only eat local, organic, grass fed, and humanely butchered animals), be honest, appreciate what I have, and share with others.

I decided a long time ago niether I, nor any of the major religions, knew the exact thruths of the universe, and I decided to stop trying and just live my life ethically the way I saw fit.

I can't understand how religious people (specifically catholic) can go through with IVF (even though it is not condoned by the church) and then choose not to do selective reduction when multiples pose a threat to the mother and/or babies. They always say something like "god gave us these babies" or "it's in god's hands." I don't get it! How can u going against your church and having an advanced, expensive medical procedure where risk of multiples is high be god giving u multiples.

The story I was reading was one where they opted for 4 embryos to be transferred. I filled out the consent form that expressly warns you about risks of that many and the possibility of needing reduction to protect the mother and babies lives. Why would u go out of your way (& god's way for that matter) to have this risky procedure only to then decide it's in God's hands. WTF?! IVF is not natural. It doesn't just happen! I personally know two women (both catholic) who did this and their babies suffered and still suffer from their choice to transfer 3 & 4 embryos and then choose not to reduce when they found all 3/4 implanted. I can't understand why they would go against their religion to do the IVF but then stand behind it when it came to giving their babies a chance at a healthy life.

Also since the catholic church specifically prohibits IVF, can we still be catholic? Can my IVF children go to catholic school?

Good news everybody!

We had someone offer us an interest free loan for the IVF. Unfortunately it was after we already signed up with medloan finance and paid $1165 for a processing fee (something I'm still trying to dispute). Right now its CD31 I'm wishing for AF to show up (that's something I'd never thought I'd say while TTC) so I can start BC. Then we are on vacation in July then we start the drugs in August. Target retrieval date of September 12 & target transfer date of September 15. I have such high hopes for this! They say with our good test results, ICSI, and IVF we have a 66% chance of success. Compared to our monthly chances trying by ourselves was 2% I feel pretty good about 66%.

Body

Ok I've gained about 35lbs since the wedding and TTC (from a size 6 to a size 12). My boobs got bigger (yay) and are still very perky. My butt is bigger, but again still sits up where it's "supposed" to. My belly is poochy, which I hate, but generally everything is still wrapped up nicely. No sagging, no stretch marks, no drooping. This is something that I expect to change after bearing a child (children). I'm totally ok with that, but it's just something to think about. I have a friend who's had three babies and after the first I was told by her husband's best friend that she had "flapjack titties" (she flashed them.) I will not be flashing anyone, never have. Anyway I came across this article which made me think.

I'm More Infertile Than You

Yes I realize this is not a competition, but it irks me when people complain about being IF when they've only been off BC for three months, or already have a kid (or kids) and can't easily get pregnant the second (third, forth, fifth) time. I just hate that. Or worse is when someone tries to console me or comiserate with me by telling me how it took them six months to concieve there first child, 20 months to concieve their second child and their third was an "accident." First of all F OFF! You have three kids! I have none. Second, 6 months?! REALLY!? Try 25 Cycles! And we have no kids. IDK maybe people who've been TTC longer than me, feel that way when I complain about my 25 cycles, but I just really can't have any pity for those TTC #2, #3, #4, etc.

Decision Time

I did something kinda mean at work tos a coworker. She is 11weeks and was just complaining about daycare and maternity leave. She knows we’ve been struggling and said ”just so u know if...no, WHEN u get pregnant u only get 6 weeks” (shes one of these fertile optimist BS spewers who also told me we weren’t getting pregnant because its just not meant to be, and it'll happen when we stop trying)

Anyway,
I said "o I don’t have to worry about that I’ll never get pregnant, dr says I’m broken” I told her about all out tests and that my FSH levels are high which could mean I have bad eggs and missed my window of fertility when I was younger. Then I went into the complications (emotionally, physically, and financially) of fertility treatment and adoption.

Then she just stood there, teared up, and said she was so sorry and maybe she should think about those things before she complains.

Sorry I let infertility make me a bitch today, but it made me feel better, and hopefully will help her to think before she complains to infertiles. I really like this girl and I'm supportive of her and her pregnancy, but I have to look out for my feelings too.

Also a couple weeks ago DH talked to his best friend (see loud, opinionated, and bombarding DH with questions and inquiries without being fully educated on IF) and came home to hash it out with me. He said he wouldn’t accept the whole “unexplained IF” and wanted a second opinion and more tests. I got really upset because it really slammed on the brakes on my babytrain. Plus we’d already spent $3000 out on tests. I've told him all about what "unexplained IF" means, but apparently he doesn't always listen when I'm droning on about IF, so when his friend started asking questions and he didn't know the answers it freaked him out.

Anyway, we did have more tests (still showed nothing except confirmed that my FSH is 10.9, which is kinda high) and talked to three different IF specialists. Basically we’re considered “subfertile” and instead of the normal 20% chance of getting knocked up ours might be more like 2% due to possibly not Oing one cycle, or missing BD on the right days, or whatever. The dr said there are lots of probabilities and ratios and for whatever reason we’re not getting knocked up naturally. Where a normal fertile couple takes 12 mos on average, it could take us 90 mos (or longer)

Also, they say any additional testing is pointless because whatever “problem” they find, IVF will circumvent it. We’ve ruled out sperm count/quality, DNA fragmentation, hormones, and ovary/tubal/uterus issues.

Now DH is back on board, he's even been calling the different fertility clinics and getting info! We're both going to my consult/US on the 24th so he can get the info directly from the Dr. We're pretty sure we're going with Dr Silber or Dr Ahlering. Dr Ahlering is young and good looking. I've met him and I feel very comfortable with him. IVF with him is $10725 + $580 for anesthesia + $720 to freeze the extra ebryos + $610/year to store embryos + $500 for assisted hatching + $3000-$6000 for meds + $340 for US + $300 for SA and DNA fragmentation + whatever the ins charges for bloodwork. So a max total of approx $22000.

Dr Silber is older, more experienced and worked to develop ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection). I haven't met him yet, so I don't know what kind of rapor I'll have with him. The IVF with him would be $11700 + $3000-50000 for meds + whatever our ins charges for bloodwork. So a max total of approx $18000.

So we're leaning towards Dr Silber, but we'll see how the consultation goes.

Think We're Going For It

Cycle 24 CD 26

Well I'm cramping today, so it has now been two years worth of cycles. DH said "giving up is not an option" and that really changed my outlook on this whole thing. We can't give up, I know I often feel like I want to, but I cannot live without having a family. I need to be a mother. Being an aunt, dog mom, babysitter is not enough. So now we're plunging foward. We're doing IVF. I used to have such a bad feeling about IVF, but now that I'm in the situation where we need it and I've done more research on all the different options I feel differently. I used to think "why would you pay all this money for a medical procedure when you could just adopt?" First of all you can't "just adopt" there are waiting lists, red tape, lots of money, lots of ups and down and no for sure outcome. IVF is cheaper and since we have no obvious health reasons why we can't get pregnant it'll most likely work. Even if it doesn't we won't have a baby taken from us (which I've read about with adoptive parents where the birth parents change their mind up to two years later and take the baby back).

Mom is going to help us, we're saving money, and we're doing this.

Sweet buttery biscuits!!!! This shit is expensive!!! DH is going in for another SA and a DNA fragmentation test $450. Then I'll have my 2nd US and bloodwork that I can only imagine will be expensive to say the least, but I do have a finance consult on Monday on my lunch hour. So after we spend $20k on IVF then we have to pay for the prenatal care and birth then 18 years of medical bills. This kid better be worth it ;-) honestly though that's a lot of pressure put on this on kid. I'd go to the moon and back to get one though so no matter what he'll be super special

Should I stay or should I go?

So we got another bill from the IUI ($265) so now we're up to $590 for that waste of time :-(

Girl at work driving me crazy. She waddles around like she's nine months (she's 10 weeks from date of last period), rubbing her belly, constantly complaining about symptoms, telling everyone every detail. Plus she' so uninformed. She'll tell me things like "did you know you can't eat lunch meat/sushi/aspartame when you're pregnant?" DUH! I've been around so many pregnant women and read so much information about conception, pregnancy, etc. I feel like an expert and here's this naive little fertile asking me "did you know you can only get pregnant like 3 days a month?" grrrrrrrr She also made the comment that she "quit smoking... mostly, I only take a few puffs off [DH's] cigarette" and "we have nothing to do anymore. all we ever did was go to bars and drink and smoke" so now she either goes and just "has a little" or her DH just leaves her at home to go drink and smoke with the neighbors every night. She also complains about how they don't have any money to raise this baby and all the family history of alcoholism, schizophrenia, depression, etc. It just frustrates me that someone who not really prepare for this baby and is so uninformed can so easily get pregnant by just stopping the pill.

Anyway, I had a consultation with two fertility specialist. Found out I may have high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and DH might have low sperm count and high morphology. Basically a lot of the tests my OB/GYN ran we read and/or done poorly. If we do the 3 cycle IVF plan we're looking at >$30k. We might be able to swing one treatment, but it's still very pricey and not guaranteed. I'm so conflicted right now. Still feeling like giving up, but also feel like "what the hell? let's throw all our money at this and hope it works!"

Giving up

Cycle 23 CD 13

A girl at my work is pregnant. She's been married for 8 months. I really like her so I am happy for her, but so sorry for myself. It just makes me want to withdraw more. From all fertiles. I want to give up trying. I am done doing the ''baby dance'' I am contemplating just disappearing, or getting a divorce and starting a new life as a single childless woman. I hate this! I feel horrible. Been crying all day, blaming my red eyes on allergies. I really don't see a point in my life. I work a menial job, live in a boring subdivide. I'm not especially intelligent or creative. I'm fat and not as good looking as I once was. I'm not talented at anything especially. I always thought I'd be a great housewife and mother. Now I have no point.

Needless to say we wasted $325 on the IUI.

This is our list of names we've been making for the last two years

Ronin/Ronan 
Jovian
Sullivan
Nell
River
Quinn
Lincoln 
Ruby
Fiona
Phineus (Phineas)
Hendrix
Nora
Luna
Foster
Jewell
Helena
Adele 
Malcolm
Desmond
Penelope
Mira
Tesla
Brixton
Amelia
Xavier
Wren
Renly
Jorie
Jory

Guess it's pointless too

Cycle 22 CD21

I’ve come out. I specifically told my boss, some friends, and my parents that we have IF. With others I’ve also been able to casually mention it in conversations, which helps with any misunderstanding / people saying something unintentionally hurting me. Ex: coworker “that’s why you need to have kids” me “that’s why we’ve been trying for the last two years.”  

Last cycle I was very late (a whole week, 7 days!) and we got our hopes up, and then I got really, really down. I decided to see a counselor and he was a blow hard who mostly talked about himself, but I did take away a couple good things: at least I’m not an old fart counselor who’s office manager stole all their money and skipped town because she was on drugs (yes, this is what he told me).

Also I started getting laser hair removal on my thighs, buttocks, and upper lip. I’m trying to get back in some sort of shape other that fat and lumpy. I had my first massage in a year this week and plan to have one every week. My Dr. prescribed them, so I can use HSA funds, Yay! This should help me relax and not be in pain. There are even techniques that promote fertility and help to eliminate cellulite. We’re going to Mexico in July, so that’s motivation. They also say once you do something like get in shape, book laser hair removal it jinxes you and you immediately get pregnant. Man, I hope so. I had an IUI on Friday the 23rd of February. Dr seemed very optimistic, he said sperm were active and plentiful and my CM looked good. Today if feels like someone punched me in the boob.