Thursday, September 29, 2011

In this alone

Well I definitely jinxed myself! Last night I had some serious hot flashes! I did get a good temp this morning though. Today is my last day of Clomid. I hope this thing works and gives us some answers. That's the worst part is the uncertainty. If I knew for sure we were not able to have babies naturally I could take the next step and start saving for adoption.

I've never been pregnant. I often read about women struggling with IF that have no problem getting pregnant, but staying pregnant. I honestly don't know which is worse. I almost feel that if we had suffered a loss it would at least be easier to talk to people like my mom. people often understand what it feels to lose something, but can't seem to sympathize with our situation of just never getting pregnant. They just say ''stop trying'' or ''relax'' or ''i knew this couple that tried for years and then they decided to adopt and bam! They got pregnant!'' I'm sure the things they'd say to ''comfort'' me after a loss would be just as bad, ugh

I just feel so alone

Eta I should say that I do have DH and he's very supportive and we're in this together but even he says I'm obsessing and talk about it too much. Also I'm not saying a loss is better than not getting pregnant at all, it's just that I feel a loss every month I get a BFN (big fat negative). All month I imagine creating this child, pick names and stare wishingly at my belly. Then when AF shows up all that is shattered and I mourn for something that never existed. I know I sound like a crazy person, but that's what IF does to you

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sex for fun?

Cycle 14 CD 8 4th day of Clomid Challange

DH and I had totally non TTC sex last night and it was great! That's something fertiles dOnt understand how sex can become a chore when TTC for so long.

I don't seem to be having any side effects from the Clomid ***knock knock on wood*** I had a couple twinges in my right ovary area, which is where my cyst ruptured two cycles ago, but i get those every cycle. I've been pretty sleepy and lazy, but nothing new there either. So one more day of Clomid tomorrow then back to the Dr for more blood work on CD10.

I've been temping again this cycle, but can't manage to get up at the same time every morning. Either I'm woken up before my alarm and immediately get up to pee (forgetting to take mt temp first) or I hit snooze and go back to sleep. Either way I miss getting my BBT at the right time. Will try harder for the rest of the cycle. Also having weird cramps today... Mmm

Recap TTC February - June 2011

I've been part of the "knitters trying to concieve" (KTTC) group for a while now. It's actually the reason I went incognito because I knew too many people on there IRL and really needed the support of the KTTC group, but wasn't ready to share all this my real life people. It became a place to vent and share and cheer eachother on. It pretty much outlines everything we've been through in the last 8 months. Here are several of my posts:

February 1, 2011:
Well as my name implies, i’m incognito, but I wanted to share this with someone and felt anonymous was the way to go. My Partner and I have been trying to concieve for awhile now with no luck. I find myselft very depressed because I feel inadequate. See, before we ever met he and his girlfriend at the time got pregnant. They were very young and opted to terminate the pregnancy. It was a very hard, emotional decision and ultimately was the reason they broke up. I do not envy thier situation and can not fathom what that must have been like for them. However, now that many years later, I’m trying to get pregnat and I wonder if something is wrong with me. I even find myself very jealous of thier pregnancy.
Whew, that felt good to get that off my shoulders. I haven’t talked to anyone else about this and needed to “vent”

February 8, 2011
Pity Party Alert!
I’m feeling very sorry for myself lately. We’re TTC our first and it’s not going well. I feel like people TTC thier 2nd, 3rd, 4th, ETC have a leg up and I’m jealous that they already have a LO, but want more. I sometimes think somehow there’s a limited amount of baby dust out there and they’re taking it all for themselves. I understand the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, ETC times TTC may have not been a breeze for them as it’s been for me. I feel so hopeless I’m about to throw in the towel. I can’t imagine after having one LO going through all this again and again.
Poor pitiful me
hopes up too much this cycle. I’m either two days late or AF is due tomorrow, but no spotting or anything. I did have spotting on CD20 and CD24. I think I Od on CD 17, so that would be later than normal. I keep having pangs in my lower abdomen. I’m over analyzing every little symptom. My boobs feel huge. I just don’t know what’s going on

April 7, 2011
AF here again. I can’t even explain how much it bothers me that that means we won’t have a baby in 2011. I’m feeling very down and not hopeful for 2012 either

April 12, 2011
Why do I torchure myself? Everyday I read mothering blogs, and stalk my friends’ FB for new baby/kid pics. I can’t get enough, but then I find myself aching even more for one of my own. Also people ask us a lot if we’re trying. At first I would say “yes” then after it didn’t happen right away, they’d say “well stop trying, it’ll happen when you stop trying” Or they’d give us a sympathy cliche. Ok, “stop trying” for us that would mean even less BD, how is that supposed to help? I mean it’s hard enough to BD on the days we’re supposed to if we stopped trying we probably would only do it once a month, or not at all. <<< I realize this is a problem. We’re both really down after trying with no success for so long. We’ve both gotten reall out of shap. Both these things have killed our labido. Now we just say “we’re not not trying”

April 20, 2011
talking about our fertility with my in laws the other day (yeah that was fun) All the tests so far have come back normal and on paper we’re fertile so MIL asked if it’s possible that we’re not compatable, fertility-wise. Is that even possible? I’m healthy, he’s healthy our reproductive systems are healthy, but not baby yet. Maybe his sperm just don’t like my eggs, or my eggs are blocking out his sperm

May 4, 2011
spotting and cramps today! PISS! Piss! PISS! Piss! Guess April is not our month either, PISS! <<<< sorry I’m just so… pissed!

May 12, 2011
Ok I think I just have to accept that my periods are never going to be regular. I will continue to have between a 26-30 day cycle. This time around i’m going to take guaifenesin all next week (our “green week”)
According to FF (Fertility Friend, where I do all my charting and tracking)
O CD14-18
LP: 10-13 days
Cycle Length 25-30
I realize this is not totally out of wack, but I still find it hard to hit the window of oportunity when it changes from month to month. I mean we have enough trouble getting a BD in at all, the one or two that we get I’d like to be able to make sure it’s on the right days.
eta: I would just like everything to be exact: BD on CD 14 = Baby, but I realize it’s not that easy

May 18, 2011
CD 14 BD on CD 10,12,14 taking mucinex not temping this cycle because I obsess too much when I do. Will look into the low progesterone thing, interesting. My average LP is 12

May 19, 2011
The “pre-baby body”
Pretty much every woman I’ve ever known who’s had a kid(s) complains about how much things change (boobs, butt, belly) and I actually heard my friend’s husband making fun of another friend’s wife saying ever since she had her kid(s) she had “flap jack” boobs. Really?! WTF?! I should mention he’s a very insensitive jerk sometimes. I really don’t think my DH would care if I were to grow a proper mustache and a third arm, he’s just not hung up on looks. But I wonder how I’ll feel after I have a baby and no longer have my “pre-baby body” Will my self confidence and body image change? Probably. Hopefully I can look and those stretch marks and remember watching my belly grow as the baby inside of me did too, and see my not so perky boobs and think fondly on the many hours I nursed my LO and bonded and grew closer.
My mom has always had nice boobs, pre and post babies, so maybe my genetics will keep my boobs perky. Plus there’s always Victoria Secret to help them perk up. And honestly unless you’re really looking close stretch marks are not noticable. My GF complains about hers all the time, but if she never mentioned and point them out to me a foot from my face I couldn’t even see them.
First I freak out thinking about not ever being able to get pregnant, and now I’m freaking out thinking about what pregnancy might do to my body, and then next I will freak out about something else. I’m just prone to freak outs.

May 20, 2011
BD on CD 16, 18 and 20 just for good measure. DH has been really into it this cycle! Yay! Although, all the porn and sex has got me “thinking like a man” as DH puts it. We were out at a bar and I had the sudden thought that the hot, big boobed waitress should take of her top and start making out with the other hot waitress. LOL

May 22, 2011
FUDGE! we missed CD16 and I’m pretty sure I O’d today (CD18) no BD today either. So
much for our optimistic beginnings :-(

May 23, 2011
BD on CD 14 then nothing. O on CD 18, so that’s O-4, I don’t think our chances are so good :( Why couldn’t we have waited? Instead of shooting our wad on CD 10 & 12? I feel like that was a waste <<< only half serious, of course we enjoyed the sex and the growing closer, but I really want one of our growing closer events to be for the quickening of eggs (can you tell I’ve been reading Stranger in a Strange Land? ;)
ETA i’ve read that they can live up to 5 day, but I’m still not hopeful
I think we were too early though, the lifespan of sperm is only like 3 days right? I think 4 is pushing it, Oh well, there’s always next month.
i’m here but not optimistic for this cycle

May 31, 2011
CD9 POAS (peed on a stick, pregnancy test) (-) boo

June 1, 2011
10DPO sore bbs, peeing on all kinds of sticks from the dollar store, all are negative, 10-13D LP, so AF in the next 3 days, boooooooooooooo

June 2, 2011
11 DPO my max LP is 13 so guess 3 more days to agonize :-( I busted out the thermometer yesterday and temp is higher than normal for this time, but could be that our house is 80 degrees

June 3, 2011
spotting, cramps, i’m out, boooooooooo hooooooooooo. I asked DH what would be the game plan for next month, he said “lots of sex” I said we’ve tried that and when it gets to my “green days” we just stop or he doesn’t “pop” so we got nothin. I really don’t know what to do about this problem. Like I said before he doesn’t always “finish” even when we were dating we’d go on and on for hours and I’d finish, but not him. What’s up with that? SO frustrating, because I think if I could just get his sperm in me on the + day we’d get pregnant. We’ve both been checked out and medically we’re both good, but the physical act of baby making eludes us :-( IVF and adoption are not really an option for us, no $$ and INS doesn’t cover

June 9, 2011
Ok I’m f#@%ing determined to get pregnant this cycle, I don’t care if I have to forcefully milk DH’s prostate! Our plan is twice a day starting CD 12 through CD19 (I O between CD 14-18) DH doesn’t always ejaculate even when he climaxes, so we’re gonna try for twice a day. I’m on CD 6 now, so 6 more days and let the milking begin! LOL <<<< sorry if that creeps anyone out, I don’t think I’d actually do this, but I saw it in a movie and find it funny

Monday, September 26, 2011

Sendentary

Cycle 14 CD 6

I started clomid last night. I think I'll buy some guaifenesin too because I've heard clomid can thicken CM.

Not really too much to report. I've got lots to do tomorrow on my day off, so that should keep my mind off TTC. I feel VERY tired today. Don't know why because I slept all weekend. I did partake in some Oktoberfest festivities on Friday night and then go for a long walk with DH on Saturday.

I've gained so much weight since first going off BC. I've gained 25 lbs and gone from a size 4/6 to a size 10/12. Not that there's anything wrong with being a size 10/12, but I don't fit in any of my old clothes and I am feeling more and more sluggish. I eat well (meaning I get lots of fruits, fiber, veggies, etc) but I also eat everything else too and don't exercise much. This is something I am continually working on, but find difficult.

Friday, September 23, 2011

The "dildo cam" and other options

Cycle 14 CD3

Well, I had my first experience with the “dildo cam” today. I did not think they were going to do an internal US, but sure enough out came the dildo cam, condom, lube and all. It was very awkward, but the technician was very nice. She said I have “lots of follicles” and I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing. They also made me pee in a cup only to have me carry the cup across the hospital and then didn’t actually need it. They then took blood to test my baseline FSH (the follicle stimulation hormone before it actually starts to kick in). All these tests are to see where my levels are before I’m fertile. Next week I’ll take clomid CD5-9 and they’ll test me again on Friday. Hopefully I’ll have some nice mature follicles ready to pop. Then CD 21 I go in for a progesterone test. It’s called “The Clomid Challenge” and I’m actually really excited for it. I feel like I’m on some reality show competition. I’m going to start temping again and maybe even invest in a fancy digital OPK (ovulation predictor kit).

After all these tests this cycle, if all looks well with my hormones and follicles then we’re looking at a possible tube blockage and that’ll be the final test. If my tubes are clear we’ll do IUI (intrauterine insemination, basically they shoot DH’s sperm into my uterus). And if that still doesn’t work (or if my tubes are blocked), we’re pretty much SOL (shit out of luck). Not only do we not have the money for IVF (in vitro fertilization), but it’s not a guaranteed thing. If we spend all our money (that we don’t have) on it and it doesn’t work we definitely won’t be able to adopt.

I really want to adopt. Ever since I saw Baby Boom as a child I knew I wanted someone to give me a baby to raise as my own. I now realize that’s not realistic, and adoption is complicated and expensive, which is why we decided to make a baby the old fashioned way, which is turning out to be complicated and expensive… grrrrr. Plus there's that whole basic, biological instinct to breed. Oh yeah my loins definately yearn for an offspring.

So that’s the plan, keep trying the old fashion way (BD on fertile days) until we get some conclusive test results back. Then, if that doesn’t work, possible IUI. Then if that doesn’t work then we’ll start saving for adoption. Whatever happens, the end result will be us having a baby to cherish and love and rear.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Introduction

Cycle 14 CD2 (will try to keep track of my cycles here, got this idea from my blog inspiration yolk)

Well, I decided to start anonymously keeping track of our struggle journey to have a baby. I like to blog, and have done so for a while and even mentioned TTC (trying to conceive) in the beginning, but I have too many people who I know IRL (in real life) that read it, and it got awkward when month after month we failed.

I'll try to define the acronyms as I go and keep my cynicism to a minimum or at least keep it at entertaining level.

So here’s my story:

I went off BC (birth control) July 2010. We took a very relaxed approach to TTC for the first 4 cycles. We thought we'd just ''let it happen.'' When that didn't work I started temping and charting to see when/if I was ovulating. I learned a lot about myself and the whole reproduction process. I felt very optimistic that I could recognize the “fertile signs” and we could BD (baby dance aka bone aka s.e.x.) on the right days. This was harder than I imagined. We both lacked the stamina and labido and schedules required for BD on the 5 green (fertile) days each month. We did hit the right days at least 6 months, but still nothing. So DH (dear husband) went to get a SA (sperm analysis) in April 2011. All is well on that front. Now it’s my turn and I’m scared as hell, but still optimistic (always am at the beginning of the cycle after my AF (aunt flo aka period aka i'm not pregnant) cry.

I have an US (ultra sound) and blood work scheduled for tomorrow. My gyno is also going to put me on clomid. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's my understanding that clomid is for women who are not ovulating. I however have all the symptoms of a woman that is ovulating. I have a definate drop and spike in my BBT (base basil temperature) EWCM (eggwhite cervical mucus aka fertile cervical mucus) and O (ovulation) pain all usually between CD(cycle day) 13 &18. I will let you know more when I do.

eta (edited to add) I found out that clomid is also used for women who may be ovulating but the eggs aren't maturing. Also clomid can increase your chance of multiple o_O Yipes!