Should I stay or should I go?

So we got another bill from the IUI ($265) so now we're up to $590 for that waste of time :-(

Girl at work driving me crazy. She waddles around like she's nine months (she's 10 weeks from date of last period), rubbing her belly, constantly complaining about symptoms, telling everyone every detail. Plus she' so uninformed. She'll tell me things like "did you know you can't eat lunch meat/sushi/aspartame when you're pregnant?" DUH! I've been around so many pregnant women and read so much information about conception, pregnancy, etc. I feel like an expert and here's this naive little fertile asking me "did you know you can only get pregnant like 3 days a month?" grrrrrrrr She also made the comment that she "quit smoking... mostly, I only take a few puffs off [DH's] cigarette" and "we have nothing to do anymore. all we ever did was go to bars and drink and smoke" so now she either goes and just "has a little" or her DH just leaves her at home to go drink and smoke with the neighbors every night. She also complains about how they don't have any money to raise this baby and all the family history of alcoholism, schizophrenia, depression, etc. It just frustrates me that someone who not really prepare for this baby and is so uninformed can so easily get pregnant by just stopping the pill.

Anyway, I had a consultation with two fertility specialist. Found out I may have high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and DH might have low sperm count and high morphology. Basically a lot of the tests my OB/GYN ran we read and/or done poorly. If we do the 3 cycle IVF plan we're looking at >$30k. We might be able to swing one treatment, but it's still very pricey and not guaranteed. I'm so conflicted right now. Still feeling like giving up, but also feel like "what the hell? let's throw all our money at this and hope it works!"

Giving up

Cycle 23 CD 13

A girl at my work is pregnant. She's been married for 8 months. I really like her so I am happy for her, but so sorry for myself. It just makes me want to withdraw more. From all fertiles. I want to give up trying. I am done doing the ''baby dance'' I am contemplating just disappearing, or getting a divorce and starting a new life as a single childless woman. I hate this! I feel horrible. Been crying all day, blaming my red eyes on allergies. I really don't see a point in my life. I work a menial job, live in a boring subdivide. I'm not especially intelligent or creative. I'm fat and not as good looking as I once was. I'm not talented at anything especially. I always thought I'd be a great housewife and mother. Now I have no point.

Needless to say we wasted $325 on the IUI.

This is our list of names we've been making for the last two years

Ronin/Ronan 
Jovian
Sullivan
Nell
River
Quinn
Lincoln 
Ruby
Fiona
Phineus (Phineas)
Hendrix
Nora
Luna
Foster
Jewell
Helena
Adele 
Malcolm
Desmond
Penelope
Mira
Tesla
Brixton
Amelia
Xavier
Wren
Renly
Jorie
Jory

Guess it's pointless too

Cycle 22 CD21

I’ve come out. I specifically told my boss, some friends, and my parents that we have IF. With others I’ve also been able to casually mention it in conversations, which helps with any misunderstanding / people saying something unintentionally hurting me. Ex: coworker “that’s why you need to have kids” me “that’s why we’ve been trying for the last two years.”  

Last cycle I was very late (a whole week, 7 days!) and we got our hopes up, and then I got really, really down. I decided to see a counselor and he was a blow hard who mostly talked about himself, but I did take away a couple good things: at least I’m not an old fart counselor who’s office manager stole all their money and skipped town because she was on drugs (yes, this is what he told me).

Also I started getting laser hair removal on my thighs, buttocks, and upper lip. I’m trying to get back in some sort of shape other that fat and lumpy. I had my first massage in a year this week and plan to have one every week. My Dr. prescribed them, so I can use HSA funds, Yay! This should help me relax and not be in pain. There are even techniques that promote fertility and help to eliminate cellulite. We’re going to Mexico in July, so that’s motivation. They also say once you do something like get in shape, book laser hair removal it jinxes you and you immediately get pregnant. Man, I hope so. I had an IUI on Friday the 23rd of February. Dr seemed very optimistic, he said sperm were active and plentiful and my CM looked good. Today if feels like someone punched me in the boob.

Oops it was an "accident"

Cycle 19 CD 17

How can you have an accidental or surprise pregnancy? I mean I get it, you weren’t actively “trying” but if you are engaged in sexual activity with a person of the opposite sex there is always a chance you will make a baby. I hate it when people (especially when they’re having unprotected sex, using no birth control at all) call it an “accident” when they get pregnant. Why is it so easy for some people that it happens on “accident?” I mean they’re just hanging out doin stuff and “surprise!” you’re pregnant. Booooooo I much prefer “unplanned pregnancy,” but screw everyone who has an “unplanned pregnancy” too!

I hate this. Another year of trying. We tried in 2010, we tried in 2011, and now we get to try in 2012 (if the world doesn’t end) BTW my father said to me a couple weeks ago “so I hear you are going to have a baby next year?” I say “what?” and he says “yeah the Mayan calendar predicted it” I say “so me having a baby brings about the end of the world?” he just chuckles. About a week later he asks me and DH “so have you guys thought of a name for the baby you’re having next year?” we both just make wise cracks “Antichrist.” “Beelzebub.”  and try to laugh it off Then for xmas he gives me an old, ugly photo frame with places for school photos from kindergarten thru high school. WTF?! Seriously?

Unexplained?

Having such a rough day with things that have nothing to do with IF.

Also, I'm searching the interwebs looking for "unexplained inferitlity" support groups or forums but keep finding people that say they have "unexplained infertility" but then list: SA came back to show low count, or poor mobility; irregular cycles due to "x"; past the ideal age and have very few follicles. These to me are reasons for infertilty and therefore explained!! The doctors have found nothing with DH and I. WTF?! SA-good, Clomid challenge - good, follicles - abundance, hormones - normal, cycle - regular, tubes - clear. Yet still here we are 17 cycles in and nothing, not a single positive pregnancy test. This is so hard.

Tubes are clear!

Cycle 17 CD 6

HSG revealed open and clear tubes!! So now I'm taking clomid again CD5-9 and I'll continue to temp and do OPKs and when I get a (+) we'll BD. They say we're more likely to get knocked up after an HSG. Feeling slightly more hopeful today.

We're also considering another SA and then I guess we'll start saving for the IUI.

Crossroads

Cycle 17 CD 1

Well I counted my cycles wrong since I actually had two in July, I'm actually on cycle 17 since going off BC, cycle 13 of very much TTC. I'm also up to the last test. All my blood work and scans came back fine, so now I get to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) an X-ray test that examines the inside of uterus and fallopian tubes by shooting a dye up my cervix.

I'm very nervous. This is it the last test. No matter the results it's not going to be good news. Either my tubes are fine and then we'll spend more $$ on IUI and cross our fingers. If that doesn't work then we have ”unexplained infertility” which, according to a couple articles I’ve read, can be where the eggs themselves are just wonky with a too hard shell, or the sperm look ok in the lab but do not preform well in the ”field,” or the egg does not interact well with the sperm or the female reproductive organs.

If my tubes are blocked or broken we're SOL. We don't have the $$$$ for IVF and won't be able to save enough while I'm still in my ''child bearing age''

So if we can't make babies we’re selling our ranch home with the finished basement and two extra bedrooms (the kids’ rooms) We’re moving to an apartment and saving lots of money to go on lavish vacations. We can plan weeks to spend with our nieces and nephews. We will be the best aunt and uncle ever! Then maybe when we’re 40 we’ll have enough saved for adoption and we can start that adventure full of hearbreak and red tape. :-/