Cycle 14 CD11
My best friend got pregnant with her son when we were 20. She didn’t have much family and the little she had was ill. Her “baby daddy” was in rehab and then prison. So I gladly stepped up to help her. I was there when he was born. I drove him to doctor appointments. I watched him take his first steps. I taught him to count. I fed, bathed, and clothed him. We used to joke that we were such a cute family (a lesbian couple and our baby). I loved him like my own, but he was not my own. Then my friend met someone and they moved in together and they didn’t really need me anymore. I still love her son, and he loves me, but he’s not mine. I don’t get to send him off for his first day of school, or help him with homework, or teach him to ride a bike. I don’t get the joy of coming home from work to his stories and hugs. I don’t get to tuck him in at night. I don’t have a say in how he is raised, or what he wears, or what he is exposed to, and I feel resentment about this. I know it’s crazy, but I helped to rear a child for the first 3 years of his life I got attached, and now it’s just gone.
My best friend got pregnant with her son when we were 20. She didn’t have much family and the little she had was ill. Her “baby daddy” was in rehab and then prison. So I gladly stepped up to help her. I was there when he was born. I drove him to doctor appointments. I watched him take his first steps. I taught him to count. I fed, bathed, and clothed him. We used to joke that we were such a cute family (a lesbian couple and our baby). I loved him like my own, but he was not my own. Then my friend met someone and they moved in together and they didn’t really need me anymore. I still love her son, and he loves me, but he’s not mine. I don’t get to send him off for his first day of school, or help him with homework, or teach him to ride a bike. I don’t get the joy of coming home from work to his stories and hugs. I don’t get to tuck him in at night. I don’t have a say in how he is raised, or what he wears, or what he is exposed to, and I feel resentment about this. I know it’s crazy, but I helped to rear a child for the first 3 years of his life I got attached, and now it’s just gone.
My fertile friends often say things along the lines of “if you need a kid, you can take mine.” It’s not a funny jest. If someone really wants to give me a baby, I’ll take it! Let’s sign the adoption papers. To the best of my abilities I will make sure he is taught proper English. I will not let him watch any movies or play any video games or listen to music with inappropriate content for his age. I will teach him to do chores. I will take him fishing and camping. I will raise him the way I want to raise a child. But when I say I want a baby of my own to raise and love and people offer me their cursing, slovenly, disrespectful 10 year old and tell me this will make not want kids, it just angers me.
I also find that in being there for friends and family’s children (which I have several times) I feel like I’ve put my own family on hold. First it was my best friend, then my brother (another “surprise” baby when the parents weren’t in a place financially or emotionally, so they he and the baby lived with us) then my best friend again (second baby daddy ended up being a dead beat too and I stepped up and help financially). Now ten years since the first baby that wasn’t mine; I’ve put so much time and effort into these kids and I want one of my own.
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