I've been part of the "knitters trying to concieve" (KTTC) group for a while now. It's actually the reason I went incognito because I knew too many people on there IRL and really needed the support of the KTTC group, but wasn't ready to share all this my real life people. It became a place to vent and share and cheer eachother on. It pretty much outlines everything we've been through in the last 8 months. Here are several of my posts:
February 1, 2011:
Well as my name implies, i’m incognito, but I wanted to share this with someone and felt anonymous was the way to go. My Partner and I have been trying to concieve for awhile now with no luck. I find myselft very depressed because I feel inadequate. See, before we ever met he and his girlfriend at the time got pregnant. They were very young and opted to terminate the pregnancy. It was a very hard, emotional decision and ultimately was the reason they broke up. I do not envy thier situation and can not fathom what that must have been like for them. However, now that many years later, I’m trying to get pregnat and I wonder if something is wrong with me. I even find myself very jealous of thier pregnancy.
Whew, that felt good to get that off my shoulders. I haven’t talked to anyone else about this and needed to “vent”
February 8, 2011
Pity Party Alert!
I’m feeling very sorry for myself lately. We’re TTC our first and it’s not going well. I feel like people TTC thier 2nd, 3rd, 4th, ETC have a leg up and I’m jealous that they already have a LO, but want more. I sometimes think somehow there’s a limited amount of baby dust out there and they’re taking it all for themselves. I understand the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, ETC times TTC may have not been a breeze for them as it’s been for me. I feel so hopeless I’m about to throw in the towel. I can’t imagine after having one LO going through all this again and again.
Poor pitiful me
hopes up too much this cycle. I’m either two days late or AF is due tomorrow, but no spotting or anything. I did have spotting on CD20 and CD24. I think I Od on CD 17, so that would be later than normal. I keep having pangs in my lower abdomen. I’m over analyzing every little symptom. My boobs feel huge. I just don’t know what’s going on
April 7, 2011
AF here again. I can’t even explain how much it bothers me that that means we won’t have a baby in 2011. I’m feeling very down and not hopeful for 2012 either
April 12, 2011
Why do I torchure myself? Everyday I read mothering blogs, and stalk my friends’ FB for new baby/kid pics. I can’t get enough, but then I find myself aching even more for one of my own. Also people ask us a lot if we’re trying. At first I would say “yes” then after it didn’t happen right away, they’d say “well stop trying, it’ll happen when you stop trying” Or they’d give us a sympathy cliche. Ok, “stop trying” for us that would mean even less BD, how is that supposed to help? I mean it’s hard enough to BD on the days we’re supposed to if we stopped trying we probably would only do it once a month, or not at all. <<< I realize this is a problem. We’re both really down after trying with no success for so long. We’ve both gotten reall out of shap. Both these things have killed our labido. Now we just say “we’re not not trying”
April 20, 2011
talking about our fertility with my in laws the other day (yeah that was fun) All the tests so far have come back normal and on paper we’re fertile so MIL asked if it’s possible that we’re not compatable, fertility-wise. Is that even possible? I’m healthy, he’s healthy our reproductive systems are healthy, but not baby yet. Maybe his sperm just don’t like my eggs, or my eggs are blocking out his sperm
May 4, 2011
spotting and cramps today! PISS! Piss! PISS! Piss! Guess April is not our month either, PISS! <<<< sorry I’m just so… pissed!
May 12, 2011
Ok I think I just have to accept that my periods are never going to be regular. I will continue to have between a 26-30 day cycle. This time around i’m going to take guaifenesin all next week (our “green week”)
According to FF (Fertility Friend, where I do all my charting and tracking)
O CD14-18
LP: 10-13 days
Cycle Length 25-30
I realize this is not totally out of wack, but I still find it hard to hit the window of oportunity when it changes from month to month. I mean we have enough trouble getting a BD in at all, the one or two that we get I’d like to be able to make sure it’s on the right days.
eta: I would just like everything to be exact: BD on CD 14 = Baby, but I realize it’s not that easy
May 18, 2011
CD 14 BD on CD 10,12,14 taking mucinex not temping this cycle because I obsess too much when I do. Will look into the low progesterone thing, interesting. My average LP is 12
May 19, 2011
The “pre-baby body”
Pretty much every woman I’ve ever known who’s had a kid(s) complains about how much things change (boobs, butt, belly) and I actually heard my friend’s husband making fun of another friend’s wife saying ever since she had her kid(s) she had “flap jack” boobs. Really?! WTF?! I should mention he’s a very insensitive jerk sometimes. I really don’t think my DH would care if I were to grow a proper mustache and a third arm, he’s just not hung up on looks. But I wonder how I’ll feel after I have a baby and no longer have my “pre-baby body” Will my self confidence and body image change? Probably. Hopefully I can look and those stretch marks and remember watching my belly grow as the baby inside of me did too, and see my not so perky boobs and think fondly on the many hours I nursed my LO and bonded and grew closer.
My mom has always had nice boobs, pre and post babies, so maybe my genetics will keep my boobs perky. Plus there’s always Victoria Secret to help them perk up. And honestly unless you’re really looking close stretch marks are not noticable. My GF complains about hers all the time, but if she never mentioned and point them out to me a foot from my face I couldn’t even see them.
First I freak out thinking about not ever being able to get pregnant, and now I’m freaking out thinking about what pregnancy might do to my body, and then next I will freak out about something else. I’m just prone to freak outs.
May 20, 2011
BD on CD 16, 18 and 20 just for good measure. DH has been really into it this cycle! Yay! Although, all the porn and sex has got me “thinking like a man” as DH puts it. We were out at a bar and I had the sudden thought that the hot, big boobed waitress should take of her top and start making out with the other hot waitress. LOL
May 22, 2011
FUDGE! we missed CD16 and I’m pretty sure I O’d today (CD18) no BD today either. So
much for our optimistic beginnings :-(
May 23, 2011
BD on CD 14 then nothing. O on CD 18, so that’s O-4, I don’t think our chances are so good :( Why couldn’t we have waited? Instead of shooting our wad on CD 10 & 12? I feel like that was a waste <<< only half serious, of course we enjoyed the sex and the growing closer, but I really want one of our growing closer events to be for the quickening of eggs (can you tell I’ve been reading Stranger in a Strange Land? ;)
ETA i’ve read that they can live up to 5 day, but I’m still not hopeful
I think we were too early though, the lifespan of sperm is only like 3 days right? I think 4 is pushing it, Oh well, there’s always next month.
i’m here but not optimistic for this cycle
May 31, 2011
CD9 POAS (peed on a stick, pregnancy test) (-) boo
June 1, 2011
10DPO sore bbs, peeing on all kinds of sticks from the dollar store, all are negative, 10-13D LP, so AF in the next 3 days, boooooooooooooo
June 2, 2011
11 DPO my max LP is 13 so guess 3 more days to agonize :-( I busted out the thermometer yesterday and temp is higher than normal for this time, but could be that our house is 80 degrees
June 3, 2011
spotting, cramps, i’m out, boooooooooo hooooooooooo. I asked DH what would be the game plan for next month, he said “lots of sex” I said we’ve tried that and when it gets to my “green days” we just stop or he doesn’t “pop” so we got nothin. I really don’t know what to do about this problem. Like I said before he doesn’t always “finish” even when we were dating we’d go on and on for hours and I’d finish, but not him. What’s up with that? SO frustrating, because I think if I could just get his sperm in me on the + day we’d get pregnant. We’ve both been checked out and medically we’re both good, but the physical act of baby making eludes us :-( IVF and adoption are not really an option for us, no $$ and INS doesn’t cover
June 9, 2011
Ok I’m f#@%ing determined to get pregnant this cycle, I don’t care if I have to forcefully milk DH’s prostate! Our plan is twice a day starting CD 12 through CD19 (I O between CD 14-18) DH doesn’t always ejaculate even when he climaxes, so we’re gonna try for twice a day. I’m on CD 6 now, so 6 more days and let the milking begin! LOL <<<< sorry if that creeps anyone out, I don’t think I’d actually do this, but I saw it in a movie and find it funny
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